13 JUNE 2004


the fire trees have spoken… summer has come to wither for it’s own death. the glory of the fiery afternoon skies will be no more. the overcast of the clouds reign and the darkness shall prevail.

the rains have started to fall.. and it will forever remind me of you… its sound falling on the leaves.. the scent of wet earth.. the feel of it falling on my head just lulls me into an abysmal limbo. would i lose myself again?

yesterday, as i watched , from afar, the fireworks from the rooftop of the building i was staying.. when suddenly it started to rain… then it was pouring. i stood there silently.. alone. it was the the cold wind giving me chills that brought me back to my senses. the rain made me cry. suddenly, emotions were overflowing… i just stood there dripping… waiting… waiting for the rain to sweep me all away….

vivid pictures of you and i came to me… right there . that very same spot i was.. you and me… all dripping wet, as we held so close to each other… feeling each others heartbeat.
again and again, selfish imaginings such as that , brings me to the edge of eternity..

ME MYSELF how foolish is it of me?? how would that be possible? now that i’ve already blown it… everything…. sanity, had i guess, left me for a while..

yet, i miss hearing your voice… i often visit your faceparty account and stare at your pictures for hours… i miss those messages from you… the way you would always make an effort to let me know you were always around even if you haven’t any phone… i miss everything about you.. and everything that you are to me…
oh no! god! what am i saying?… am i even thinking… i just can’t keep myself from saying that. it wouldn’t be honest enough if i didn’t say that at all…

i hate to think that this was what was meant to be… that time had brought us here.. that everything was purely coincidental.. that it was destined to end just like that.. i know it wasn’t! for it was our choice all along.. we chose everything that we are now… we chose not to extend ourselves for we know, that, deep inside our very hearts, that we weren’t ready for it. our pasts continue to haunt us … the pains and the tears never stopped following us around.

i actually hesitated to write this letter… not knowing what will it cause you…
it actually made me happy knowing that seven hours away.. there was someone who desires to kiss the air that kissed me a few moments back… that somehow… someone thinks of me… that made me happy.. really!

i will never stop wishing that i had the tinderbox so that every time i go to sleep i would open it and command the dogs to fetch for you, as you are deeply asleep, so that i could kiss you goodnight.
now, shall i bring it back to you that, “my most audacious desire shall only be to kiss the air that kissed you a few moment back!”

please keep in touch….

jay ar