FAIRY TALE GONE WRONG

"WHO COULD RESIST A SHOW OF SUCH APPARENT DEVOTION? COULD THERE EXIST A LOVE OF SUCH UNFAULTERING STRENGTH? CONVINCED OF A DREAM, DENYIN A SCHEME…"
— an ITALIAN LOVE SONG
A-Fairy-Tale-Wardel-L I looked into my lover’s eyes and saw so much passion there. I thought I even caught a glimpse of forever for the two of us. I have always been told of a love that would never falter no matter happens. I never realized that behind the passion in his eyes he was already thinking of how to get his way. I was convinced of having what I had dreamt of only to learn by some cruel twist of fate that something in my fairy tale had gone wrong. I was awakened by a note that he just could not go through it anymore and that he was sorry. And now I only wanted to be reminded of how i thought things were and cry.

Where had this fairy tale gone wrong? That’s what we would as ourselves if the story above happened to anyone of us. The truth is we still would not know as much as other people try to make it sound so easy for us.

Most of the times we blame fate, our blind fate, for having things like this transpire in the midst of our happy lives. We thought to ourselves that we have given it everything and it was all good and yet there would be an unknown cause of despair. We thought it was a foolish trick of nature to let happiness dangle right in front of our noses and then suddenly be taken back. We lost our faith in ourselves, and in love.

Out of bitterness we also take it out on our partner. We tell ourselves we’ve been lied to and our trust had been betrayed. We blame it all on him and thought that everything he said was just a lie. In our bitterness we would even come up with the idea that even those happy moments we shared was a bigger lie. We harbour resentment against him, and lose faith in love.

And of course there’s absolutely no doubt that we would as well blame ourselves. Worse, we thought we lost our sense of reasoning for having not seen what was coming or having allowed it to happen. We’d sometimes take it out on ourselves for being stupid to be led into a trick of debauchery and lose our faith in love.

Where had this fairy tale gone wrong? There lies a lot of possibilities. We might havespring-fairy-tale-in-paris gotten involved with an ambivalent god, or the dangerous kind. It could also be possible that we only created an illusion of romantic grandeur. Sometimes when people are so in love with the thought if love they get blinded from reality and seem to be unaware of that fact that the other is just not as madly in love.

Look at it this way. You were in love with your boyfriend, madly, that you thought he always makes you giddy and exhilarated every time you were together. That was what you thought and you have created an illusion of a fairy tale between you and him that you have take one fact for granted, he just merely likes you. Reality check and it bites hard, really. You did not know that maybe he just didn’t have the slightest hint of that madly-in-love-with-you-thing-i-could-reach-the-stars-right-now that you thought he felt. Maybe his feelings had just not evolved yet the way you wanted it.

That was where the problem had started to arise. You could not stop yourself from being deluded because you wanted him so bad. He gets pressured eventually tries to find a way out. And you only get disappointed each time he could not seem to reciprocate your feelings or show you how you thought he really felt. You end up thinking that he broke your heart when the fact of the matter is you led him to a point of no return. He got scared of the big picture you created for the two of you which he might have not been ready for in the meantime. You failed to give him room to grow. Realize that.

Or maybe he was just not in love with you and you did not realize that because you were too busy falling in love with him. Sometimes we can be that stupid not to realize one fact like it. We fall, we get busy falling and then we crash because we failed to see the hard ground of the truth.

If he happened to have been the dangerous kind and there was no sign for you to be aware of and you thought you fell in love, snap out of it. There is no castle at the end of the long and winding road for you with the dangerous kind, only long and winding road and a dead-end. Best way to know, ask around and don’t be fooled by words. And it’s really quite easy to notice the dangerous ones because they have quite a reputation. You would know, you would feel it. No extra sensory perception required. He might not have necessarily crossed his fingers when he vouched his love for you but you can feel it if he was lying. Unless you were stupid of course still busy falling in love. And if not once any of his promises came to life and he could not stick to his words, get out of it immediately or you will only hurt yourself worse. You deserve more than that. Snap out of the fairy tale.

If you cannot help but cry when it happened, just cry and be sad but give yourself the chance to get over him and the pain. Never lose faith in love. It maybe just us who falters but love never does.

Love’s strength is immeasurable. Fairy tales may go wrong but if you hold on to love you may find out that it’s more than just rock-steady.

Find love. Make room for love to grow. Nurture it with faith.

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THE EX-BOYFRIEND SYNDROME

WRITTEN ON 17 JUNE 2006
 
"HE WAS THAT ONE PERSON WHO TURNED ME ON AND OFF AT THE SAME TIME. IF ANY OTHER GUY CAME UP TO ME AND HAD OR DIDN’T HAVE THOSE QUALITIES I DO NOT THINK I COULD ALLOW MYSELF TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM."
No one would have thought that he wasn’t over his ex yet. I mean it has been over a year or maybe two that he had not said anything about his feelings for that bastard. And most people would just notice him dating and ditching one guy after the other. For them they would have thought that he was just only exploring his options and the possibilities. Or he could just have been having the time of his life seeing other guys after having not done so while recovering from the break-up. But looking at a different perspective, there is a lot more deal to it that the given justifications. It seems more like denying reality and escaping from the true scenario. He might have recovered from the pain and gotten over the sadness but he wasn’t over the guy yet. Time and again he would only compare the others whom he had dated to that estranged partner. If he thought this guy had the qualities of his ex that made him giddy he would go out and spend time with. And when as time is spent and he learns that the guy lacks the other good qualities and is suddenly reminded of certain actions his ex did that turned him off he immediately dismisses all possibilities of getting along well and going out again with that other guy. Poor thing! And in this process he ends up waiting for some other knight in shining armour to take him out. And it goes on and on.
As long as we regard our exes as ideal and abominable at the same time the absurd comparison between the current date and that one from whom we have been separated with will be inevitable. I mean, here comes the new guy with all his exceptional qualities we haven’t even seen yet but here we come with a list of what qualities we intend to see and not see which obviously are from the ex-boyfriend we used to be with. How repugnant can that be for the new guy? That is why it has to be stopped. And it can’t happen unless we stop ourselves from wanting those old moments back. History does not repeat itself with a new boyfriend. There has got to be new and better, if not as beautiful, experiences to happen if we consider the option and taking the chance with the new guy.

The deal is not wanting your ex any more than you want what you had with him back then. After all, you have already gotten over the pain of losing him. It’s time that you get over the person himself and face the world. The real world, where other people await to love you and be loved by you.

The cure to the ex-boyfriend syndrome is to completely get him out of your system and to stop reminding yourself of how things used to be for the two of you.

And then start looking through the eyes of that one in front of you and consider the possibility of the two of you playing good music together. That’s what second chances to love are all about. Not knowing is the sweetest mystery that one can ever have for himself and loving someone with no restrictions is the greatest discovery one can never imagine.

FINDING LOVE IN A SONG

“i love to see the ocean’s beauty and the moon that shines above… alone in the sand looking at the stars wishing someday i will find true love…”

surely everyone of us has created magic spells to lure someone to like us, or love us, the way we wanted to be loved and cared for. we believed in the power of magic. and i suppose we still do. that isn’t so absurd. personally, that was what eight years of watching Charmed has taught me. believing not just in the power of magic spells, wishing wells and ethereal wonders but in LOVE itself. i mean it’s not so bad realizing that besides magic and witchcraft and enlightenment we all have that power to profess love and make it happen. it has made us continue searching for one great love and hope to make it grow within ourselves together with that one we have found to share the greater part of our lives with amidst everything.

all of us had asked for signs. and we still believe that somehow, sometime God will show us something to make us realize that some guy around us is the one. i find it strange for myself. i never really relied on “something purple” or “when-you-catch-him-staring-at-you-and-he-suddenly-sneezes” kinds of things. they only gave me false hopes. if i wanted something or thought loved somebody i make the signs and i make them happen. if it did happen then it might have been a good place for us to plant those seeds of affection and let it grow. some might also say that signs are too old fashioned. some ten years ago our church pastor told us in a valentine fellowship that asking for signs is ancient. and that we cannot give ourselves false hopes that he might be the one if we see him wearing orange briefs. i mean come on! divine intervention is still and still a fairly justifiable ground for faith but we can’t be that surreal.

“wouldn’t it be nice to see the morning with the one you love the most? wouldn’t it be nice to say goodnight to the one you hold so close to your heart?”

I’d be totally lying if i say right now that i wouldn’t want to be loved. after having my heart broken the past few relationships I’ve had, it sure would be wonderful to have someone to give love to. i am not in a rush though. and we all should not be. we just have to give it time.

i mended a broken heart for two years only to have it broken again the past year. but i wouldn’t mind waiting if it has to be another two years before i got it all straight. it has never really been too late for love. and besides i have never really closed my doors and limited my options after everything has been screwed. time has helped me heal my wounds and LOVE itself is the ultimate reason why i have allowed myself to take things as they come. can’t the rest of everyone do it? and by giving ourselves time, we allow our options to become wider. we get to meet a lot of people and we get to realize that even in singlehood we are not alone, nor lonely.

i also broke somebody’s heart recently. or at least i think i did. i couldn’t blame him for feeling neglected or taken for granted. i mean i have been so used to doing things on my own for myself. every trouble i got into i can never bug my boyfriend to save me from it. i will bother my friends but not my boyfriend. that could have been my problem. and i also got to this point where i think that i am so independent that i can’t figure out anymore if i would need my boyfriend so bad to be with me as much as i love him. somebody has to make me realize that. but no one ever did. that itself i know is not enough to justify for breaking his heart but I’m sorry i did.
the truth is, we just keep on wishing that someone would look at us the way we want to be looked at even just once. and we so want it to be real that we can never think of giving that moment up instead take it inside our hearts and let it grow.

we want to find someone each and every minute. when we sleep at night and even before the morning sun rises it dawns on some of us, the search and the wait. it’s just too much to take but we can’t stop ourselves from it. we do it when we go to school or work. when we go to bookstores at the back of our minds we are hoping we could bump into someone and see magic in his eyes when both of you apologize for the accident. when we go to the grocery we often have this funny hope of having someone get the same bottle of ketchup you will be needing. in the middle of walking inside the favourite mall you would just be daydreaming that someone would be there tripping on his feet so that you could laugh so hard, look at him and find a tiny bit of a spark there that may start something else. in bars we wish that someone would be asking for our numbers. and in chat rooms we just endlessly make that search that we would be asked out on a date. or find somebody we could ask out.

“the wind that blows the dove is the wind that blows my love hoping it’ll find its way tMatty Kissing Frankyo you wherever you are…”

or whoever you are… don’t we all love the thought of finding someone we could fall and grow in love with? a match, someone to share love with. could be one sitting beside you on the commuter train, first one to offer you a drink in a bar, the one scanning the pages of the same book you bought last week in a bookstore, someone who always had a fight with, your perfect match could be just anyone around. timing and always the right timing could lead your feelings to something worth it. but one thing though, we can’t be falling in love with just the thought of it. you have to know for yourself that you really love that person and that even though it’s not going to be easy you’ll both be holding onto each other’s hands and make it through because you both love each other and you see yourselves growing in love.

for you, it could be me who wrote this. or not.

for me, it could be you who reads this and thinks that i don’t make any sense at all. or the one who watches behind you reading this. or not.

for everybody, it could be just what we all want. but wanting it isn’t doing it. i have to make it happen for myself, so should you.

and when it does happen, we wouldn’t have to sing sad songs anymore and be lonely.