HOW DO I FALL IN LOVE?

i think i know how i want to fall in love. i have gone over the thought of it countless times when im alone. i dream of it at night and on my bus rides.

sometimes it pops in my head while munching on a snickers bar or having a nice chitchat with my peers. it even catches me off-guard when im in the middle of something important at work.

but how do i really fall in love if i thought i knew? there are just too many ways to fall in love, right? 

you meet a guy in a bar, you have a friendly banter. he
hits on you, you buy his shit and you become inseparable for the rest of the night. he asks you for a night cap. you wind up in his place and you get impressed. you think you’re going to get laid but he passes. he instead just lets you stay over so you can get a good rest while he watches you sleep and giving you a light peck on your forehead to kiss you goodnight. you think it was wonderful and in the morning you catch him smiling while waiting for you to be awake. he asks you out, you say yes. the dates continue until you both realise that you are just in love. that is when you see the promise of a big picture.

do i want to fall in love that way? 
hmmm, i thought it was ideal.

but what if you were in a long queue at your favourite fast food? you were starting to mind the slow moving diner traffic and you get a little impatient because you were beginning to feel starved. he came in right behind you and you just took a glance. out of your annoyance of the situation you happened to have frowned a little at him and it made him smile. he told you how you looked cute being upset. you look at him again all set to get right back at him when you saw him flash a killer smile. you forgot you were hungry and you just smiled back. you were smitten. a few minutes back you were seen sharing a table and exchanging a very clever repartee over hot fudge sundae and fries. you thought that he was amazing. he thought you were splendid.

i think i like that.

what about the classmate from graduate school who saved your ass? was he not adorable when he presented his argument in class to your rescue?

i want to fall in love because i fell in love. i dont want to take it for the wrong reason. i want to fall in love not because of wanting to have a relationship that i haven’t had for the longest time. but how? did anyone have an idea how they would fall in love? did they fall in love exactly how they have created it in their heads?
i think i know exactly how i’d fall in love.
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D E S P A I R

Dearest,

Here I am stuck in my room hearing the noise outside while trying so hard to tear myself from thinking about how much I miss you as it starts to hurt.

I am thinking that maybe we could just turn everything back when it was all so happy between us. We didn’t have anything to worry about back then but how we were going to spend the next day together.

But now that things are different I would cry myself to sleep only to wake up shedding more tears because this had to happen. You had to go away and leave me without any acceptable reason.

You only told me that you can’t love me anymore, that what you have given me was the last of it and it was time that I realize that things cannot go any further than this. However, I still cannot find the reason for it all. I just don’t see why you would wake up one day realizing that you’re tired of loving me when you had not shown any of it.

You never made me feel loved, but I never hated you for it. I waited until you could love me the way you know how to. If there was anyone in this relationship who’s supposed to have grown tired, it’ should be me. I didn’t want to because each time you asked me to hang on it felt like I am drawing my strength from you and the hopes that one day you will finally give in to how you really feel about me.

I thought wrong. And I regret it. However, as this night goes on, I could only hate myself and not you. 

I miss you so much and I want you back by my side. I know it’s never going to happen. I know that tomorrow all I can ever have would be tears of sadness and despair for having lost you, for missing you so bad.