OF BREAK UP AND RECONCILIATION

“I HATE AND LOVE. YOU MAY ASK WHY I DO SO, I DO NOT KNOW, BUT I FEEL IT AND I AM IN TORMENT.”
— CATULLUS CARMINA LXXXV

Breaking up is how things has got to be for lovers realizing that there’s just too many differences between them that seem irreconcilable. In so much instances when both parties have tried so hard and exerted so much effort to reach a compromise they just end up exasperated and give in to the frustration. In the process they would try everything to get to the roots of their differences and at least patch things up but would eventually realize that there’s no other way to set things straight for each of them but to go their separate ways. That way, they would have thought, they could avoid hurting each other more and making things worse as they thought it already was.
Breaking up

Breaking up has got to be one of the most crucial times to someone who has devoted his life to loving a partner. It is that time when all he would ask himself is where things had gone wrong or what he had possibly done wrong. He never could have thought that breaking up could never be any harder just when he presumed that patching things up was not any easy at all.

But come to think of it, for most of us, we cannot just easily give up nor give in to the frustration of making ends meet with our partners.

After the break-up there has got to be no better way but to reconcile with ourselves after having tried to give love’s ease to our partners. If we thought that separating from a loved one for irreconcilable differences was a bit devastating, there is no other way to make things better for ourselves but to create a heaven in hell’s despair. We can use our loneliness to create a deeper meaning to happiness.

Of course we cannot push ourselves into healing that fast after the break-up. Time is of the elements. We have to give ourselves ample time to let the pain sear through. Then we can use that pain to make us stronger by treating it as a lesson we had to learn the hard way.

While most people would deny themselves that moment because they are probably too proud to admit to themselves of their vulnerability to emotional pain, we should in fact be giving ourselves time to grieve and be sad over the loss and the pain for a certain period. Not that we are to harbour resentment and nurture bitterness inside us towards the one who broke our hearts but to instead realize how much we have loved and let a greater love grow within ourselves. Eventually we could get out of that pathetic state and make room for a bigger heart and forgive both our own selves and the other party.

It wasn’t a stupid thing to have loved someone only to end up getting hurt. It wasn’t a mortal sin either for us to punish ourselves for having loved somebody that didn’t work. We choose to love not because we care so much about ourselves nor seek our own pleasure. We love because we want to ease the longing of our partner. We love because we wanted to share our feelings and a big part, if not our whole, lives to the other. And we should not punish ourselves to having done that. Instead we should find pride in ourselves having realized how much love we have been able to give and how much we had let love grown into ourselves.

If by all means we have made it through the break-up and have forgiven ourselves and our estranged partners for what happened we will then have greater chances to be happier. Coping and pulling through the sorrow makes us able to reconcile with our thoughts and our own feelings and our capacity to love and love freely.

And though some would turn their backs on that next chance to love, we could, on the other hand, make for ourselves room to grow in a deeper and more experienced loving since we have gone through a predicament we realize to have been worth learning.

  And what is joy worth if not for despair?

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HOW DO I FALL IN LOVE?

i think i know how i want to fall in love. i have gone over the thought of it countless times when im alone. i dream of it at night and on my bus rides.

sometimes it pops in my head while munching on a snickers bar or having a nice chitchat with my peers. it even catches me off-guard when im in the middle of something important at work.

but how do i really fall in love if i thought i knew? there are just too many ways to fall in love, right? 

you meet a guy in a bar, you have a friendly banter. he
hits on you, you buy his shit and you become inseparable for the rest of the night. he asks you for a night cap. you wind up in his place and you get impressed. you think you’re going to get laid but he passes. he instead just lets you stay over so you can get a good rest while he watches you sleep and giving you a light peck on your forehead to kiss you goodnight. you think it was wonderful and in the morning you catch him smiling while waiting for you to be awake. he asks you out, you say yes. the dates continue until you both realise that you are just in love. that is when you see the promise of a big picture.

do i want to fall in love that way? 
hmmm, i thought it was ideal.

but what if you were in a long queue at your favourite fast food? you were starting to mind the slow moving diner traffic and you get a little impatient because you were beginning to feel starved. he came in right behind you and you just took a glance. out of your annoyance of the situation you happened to have frowned a little at him and it made him smile. he told you how you looked cute being upset. you look at him again all set to get right back at him when you saw him flash a killer smile. you forgot you were hungry and you just smiled back. you were smitten. a few minutes back you were seen sharing a table and exchanging a very clever repartee over hot fudge sundae and fries. you thought that he was amazing. he thought you were splendid.

i think i like that.

what about the classmate from graduate school who saved your ass? was he not adorable when he presented his argument in class to your rescue?

i want to fall in love because i fell in love. i dont want to take it for the wrong reason. i want to fall in love not because of wanting to have a relationship that i haven’t had for the longest time. but how? did anyone have an idea how they would fall in love? did they fall in love exactly how they have created it in their heads?
i think i know exactly how i’d fall in love.

D E S P A I R

Dearest,

Here I am stuck in my room hearing the noise outside while trying so hard to tear myself from thinking about how much I miss you as it starts to hurt.

I am thinking that maybe we could just turn everything back when it was all so happy between us. We didn’t have anything to worry about back then but how we were going to spend the next day together.

But now that things are different I would cry myself to sleep only to wake up shedding more tears because this had to happen. You had to go away and leave me without any acceptable reason.

You only told me that you can’t love me anymore, that what you have given me was the last of it and it was time that I realize that things cannot go any further than this. However, I still cannot find the reason for it all. I just don’t see why you would wake up one day realizing that you’re tired of loving me when you had not shown any of it.

You never made me feel loved, but I never hated you for it. I waited until you could love me the way you know how to. If there was anyone in this relationship who’s supposed to have grown tired, it’ should be me. I didn’t want to because each time you asked me to hang on it felt like I am drawing my strength from you and the hopes that one day you will finally give in to how you really feel about me.

I thought wrong. And I regret it. However, as this night goes on, I could only hate myself and not you. 

I miss you so much and I want you back by my side. I know it’s never going to happen. I know that tomorrow all I can ever have would be tears of sadness and despair for having lost you, for missing you so bad.

WE NEVER GOT TO PARIS

Parisi was looking at your profile a few minutes back and had to tell myself, “what the hell was i thinking looking at you when all i ever had was an unspoken promise?”

that was what i had with you then. and recently it was all i had with you again.

the morning after that long conversation i didn’t know what to think. up until after a few weeks i didn’t know if i should even think. the rational part of my brain told me that that was where it should all end. and the other side just kept on telling me to hold on to one bit of hope… false one.

and then tonight…

i was just looking and it felt like there was a painful, searing pinch in my heart causing me to wince. i didn’t realize that even just a virtual sight of you would hurt me the way i had been hurt when i had to send you off that afternoon after we had a wonderful evening together.

i didn’t realize that it would be the same amount of pain that i would feel after i sent you off that summer morning to get a good night’s sleep.

it never occurred to me… not until now that i have to really let go of an unspoken love which i think i am the only one who feels.

i tried to get in touch with you to no avail. god knows how foolish i had been trying every possible connection that i have just to get a hold of you. it was like chasing the end of a rainbow.

i never got to Paris. i now know that Paris was an illusion… romance cannot be found there. Paris is a myth. it is a hopeless romantic imagination that could easily burst like soap bubbles. romance is mutually built anywhere… not just somewhere in particular.

i may have been mistaken about creating a romantic vision of us by the tower. perhaps, i was wrong. i realized there had to be U to create us. but there was only me.

i had been busy falling in love with you while you were out there loving someone else but me.

i was in a world of oblivion twice… with you… trying so hard to long for your love… our first and only night together at home and that morning in the most absurd place.

i had a good yesterday with you… a fine tomorrow, i do not think so. i think fate has taken that one for granted.

this one has to take time now. i cared about a flower that i did not know wouldn’t grow. i was the water… i hoped you were going to be the sunlight. but it did not happen as i thought it would.

this one had to happen. i had to look at you painfully one last time before i can let it all go.

FAIRY TALE GONE WRONG

"WHO COULD RESIST A SHOW OF SUCH APPARENT DEVOTION? COULD THERE EXIST A LOVE OF SUCH UNFAULTERING STRENGTH? CONVINCED OF A DREAM, DENYIN A SCHEME…"
— an ITALIAN LOVE SONG
A-Fairy-Tale-Wardel-L I looked into my lover’s eyes and saw so much passion there. I thought I even caught a glimpse of forever for the two of us. I have always been told of a love that would never falter no matter happens. I never realized that behind the passion in his eyes he was already thinking of how to get his way. I was convinced of having what I had dreamt of only to learn by some cruel twist of fate that something in my fairy tale had gone wrong. I was awakened by a note that he just could not go through it anymore and that he was sorry. And now I only wanted to be reminded of how i thought things were and cry.

Where had this fairy tale gone wrong? That’s what we would as ourselves if the story above happened to anyone of us. The truth is we still would not know as much as other people try to make it sound so easy for us.

Most of the times we blame fate, our blind fate, for having things like this transpire in the midst of our happy lives. We thought to ourselves that we have given it everything and it was all good and yet there would be an unknown cause of despair. We thought it was a foolish trick of nature to let happiness dangle right in front of our noses and then suddenly be taken back. We lost our faith in ourselves, and in love.

Out of bitterness we also take it out on our partner. We tell ourselves we’ve been lied to and our trust had been betrayed. We blame it all on him and thought that everything he said was just a lie. In our bitterness we would even come up with the idea that even those happy moments we shared was a bigger lie. We harbour resentment against him, and lose faith in love.

And of course there’s absolutely no doubt that we would as well blame ourselves. Worse, we thought we lost our sense of reasoning for having not seen what was coming or having allowed it to happen. We’d sometimes take it out on ourselves for being stupid to be led into a trick of debauchery and lose our faith in love.

Where had this fairy tale gone wrong? There lies a lot of possibilities. We might havespring-fairy-tale-in-paris gotten involved with an ambivalent god, or the dangerous kind. It could also be possible that we only created an illusion of romantic grandeur. Sometimes when people are so in love with the thought if love they get blinded from reality and seem to be unaware of that fact that the other is just not as madly in love.

Look at it this way. You were in love with your boyfriend, madly, that you thought he always makes you giddy and exhilarated every time you were together. That was what you thought and you have created an illusion of a fairy tale between you and him that you have take one fact for granted, he just merely likes you. Reality check and it bites hard, really. You did not know that maybe he just didn’t have the slightest hint of that madly-in-love-with-you-thing-i-could-reach-the-stars-right-now that you thought he felt. Maybe his feelings had just not evolved yet the way you wanted it.

That was where the problem had started to arise. You could not stop yourself from being deluded because you wanted him so bad. He gets pressured eventually tries to find a way out. And you only get disappointed each time he could not seem to reciprocate your feelings or show you how you thought he really felt. You end up thinking that he broke your heart when the fact of the matter is you led him to a point of no return. He got scared of the big picture you created for the two of you which he might have not been ready for in the meantime. You failed to give him room to grow. Realize that.

Or maybe he was just not in love with you and you did not realize that because you were too busy falling in love with him. Sometimes we can be that stupid not to realize one fact like it. We fall, we get busy falling and then we crash because we failed to see the hard ground of the truth.

If he happened to have been the dangerous kind and there was no sign for you to be aware of and you thought you fell in love, snap out of it. There is no castle at the end of the long and winding road for you with the dangerous kind, only long and winding road and a dead-end. Best way to know, ask around and don’t be fooled by words. And it’s really quite easy to notice the dangerous ones because they have quite a reputation. You would know, you would feel it. No extra sensory perception required. He might not have necessarily crossed his fingers when he vouched his love for you but you can feel it if he was lying. Unless you were stupid of course still busy falling in love. And if not once any of his promises came to life and he could not stick to his words, get out of it immediately or you will only hurt yourself worse. You deserve more than that. Snap out of the fairy tale.

If you cannot help but cry when it happened, just cry and be sad but give yourself the chance to get over him and the pain. Never lose faith in love. It maybe just us who falters but love never does.

Love’s strength is immeasurable. Fairy tales may go wrong but if you hold on to love you may find out that it’s more than just rock-steady.

Find love. Make room for love to grow. Nurture it with faith.

THE EX-BOYFRIEND SYNDROME

WRITTEN ON 17 JUNE 2006
 
"HE WAS THAT ONE PERSON WHO TURNED ME ON AND OFF AT THE SAME TIME. IF ANY OTHER GUY CAME UP TO ME AND HAD OR DIDN’T HAVE THOSE QUALITIES I DO NOT THINK I COULD ALLOW MYSELF TO FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM."
No one would have thought that he wasn’t over his ex yet. I mean it has been over a year or maybe two that he had not said anything about his feelings for that bastard. And most people would just notice him dating and ditching one guy after the other. For them they would have thought that he was just only exploring his options and the possibilities. Or he could just have been having the time of his life seeing other guys after having not done so while recovering from the break-up. But looking at a different perspective, there is a lot more deal to it that the given justifications. It seems more like denying reality and escaping from the true scenario. He might have recovered from the pain and gotten over the sadness but he wasn’t over the guy yet. Time and again he would only compare the others whom he had dated to that estranged partner. If he thought this guy had the qualities of his ex that made him giddy he would go out and spend time with. And when as time is spent and he learns that the guy lacks the other good qualities and is suddenly reminded of certain actions his ex did that turned him off he immediately dismisses all possibilities of getting along well and going out again with that other guy. Poor thing! And in this process he ends up waiting for some other knight in shining armour to take him out. And it goes on and on.
As long as we regard our exes as ideal and abominable at the same time the absurd comparison between the current date and that one from whom we have been separated with will be inevitable. I mean, here comes the new guy with all his exceptional qualities we haven’t even seen yet but here we come with a list of what qualities we intend to see and not see which obviously are from the ex-boyfriend we used to be with. How repugnant can that be for the new guy? That is why it has to be stopped. And it can’t happen unless we stop ourselves from wanting those old moments back. History does not repeat itself with a new boyfriend. There has got to be new and better, if not as beautiful, experiences to happen if we consider the option and taking the chance with the new guy.

The deal is not wanting your ex any more than you want what you had with him back then. After all, you have already gotten over the pain of losing him. It’s time that you get over the person himself and face the world. The real world, where other people await to love you and be loved by you.

The cure to the ex-boyfriend syndrome is to completely get him out of your system and to stop reminding yourself of how things used to be for the two of you.

And then start looking through the eyes of that one in front of you and consider the possibility of the two of you playing good music together. That’s what second chances to love are all about. Not knowing is the sweetest mystery that one can ever have for himself and loving someone with no restrictions is the greatest discovery one can never imagine.

FINDING LOVE IN A SONG

“i love to see the ocean’s beauty and the moon that shines above… alone in the sand looking at the stars wishing someday i will find true love…”

surely everyone of us has created magic spells to lure someone to like us, or love us, the way we wanted to be loved and cared for. we believed in the power of magic. and i suppose we still do. that isn’t so absurd. personally, that was what eight years of watching Charmed has taught me. believing not just in the power of magic spells, wishing wells and ethereal wonders but in LOVE itself. i mean it’s not so bad realizing that besides magic and witchcraft and enlightenment we all have that power to profess love and make it happen. it has made us continue searching for one great love and hope to make it grow within ourselves together with that one we have found to share the greater part of our lives with amidst everything.

all of us had asked for signs. and we still believe that somehow, sometime God will show us something to make us realize that some guy around us is the one. i find it strange for myself. i never really relied on “something purple” or “when-you-catch-him-staring-at-you-and-he-suddenly-sneezes” kinds of things. they only gave me false hopes. if i wanted something or thought loved somebody i make the signs and i make them happen. if it did happen then it might have been a good place for us to plant those seeds of affection and let it grow. some might also say that signs are too old fashioned. some ten years ago our church pastor told us in a valentine fellowship that asking for signs is ancient. and that we cannot give ourselves false hopes that he might be the one if we see him wearing orange briefs. i mean come on! divine intervention is still and still a fairly justifiable ground for faith but we can’t be that surreal.

“wouldn’t it be nice to see the morning with the one you love the most? wouldn’t it be nice to say goodnight to the one you hold so close to your heart?”

I’d be totally lying if i say right now that i wouldn’t want to be loved. after having my heart broken the past few relationships I’ve had, it sure would be wonderful to have someone to give love to. i am not in a rush though. and we all should not be. we just have to give it time.

i mended a broken heart for two years only to have it broken again the past year. but i wouldn’t mind waiting if it has to be another two years before i got it all straight. it has never really been too late for love. and besides i have never really closed my doors and limited my options after everything has been screwed. time has helped me heal my wounds and LOVE itself is the ultimate reason why i have allowed myself to take things as they come. can’t the rest of everyone do it? and by giving ourselves time, we allow our options to become wider. we get to meet a lot of people and we get to realize that even in singlehood we are not alone, nor lonely.

i also broke somebody’s heart recently. or at least i think i did. i couldn’t blame him for feeling neglected or taken for granted. i mean i have been so used to doing things on my own for myself. every trouble i got into i can never bug my boyfriend to save me from it. i will bother my friends but not my boyfriend. that could have been my problem. and i also got to this point where i think that i am so independent that i can’t figure out anymore if i would need my boyfriend so bad to be with me as much as i love him. somebody has to make me realize that. but no one ever did. that itself i know is not enough to justify for breaking his heart but I’m sorry i did.
the truth is, we just keep on wishing that someone would look at us the way we want to be looked at even just once. and we so want it to be real that we can never think of giving that moment up instead take it inside our hearts and let it grow.

we want to find someone each and every minute. when we sleep at night and even before the morning sun rises it dawns on some of us, the search and the wait. it’s just too much to take but we can’t stop ourselves from it. we do it when we go to school or work. when we go to bookstores at the back of our minds we are hoping we could bump into someone and see magic in his eyes when both of you apologize for the accident. when we go to the grocery we often have this funny hope of having someone get the same bottle of ketchup you will be needing. in the middle of walking inside the favourite mall you would just be daydreaming that someone would be there tripping on his feet so that you could laugh so hard, look at him and find a tiny bit of a spark there that may start something else. in bars we wish that someone would be asking for our numbers. and in chat rooms we just endlessly make that search that we would be asked out on a date. or find somebody we could ask out.

“the wind that blows the dove is the wind that blows my love hoping it’ll find its way tMatty Kissing Frankyo you wherever you are…”

or whoever you are… don’t we all love the thought of finding someone we could fall and grow in love with? a match, someone to share love with. could be one sitting beside you on the commuter train, first one to offer you a drink in a bar, the one scanning the pages of the same book you bought last week in a bookstore, someone who always had a fight with, your perfect match could be just anyone around. timing and always the right timing could lead your feelings to something worth it. but one thing though, we can’t be falling in love with just the thought of it. you have to know for yourself that you really love that person and that even though it’s not going to be easy you’ll both be holding onto each other’s hands and make it through because you both love each other and you see yourselves growing in love.

for you, it could be me who wrote this. or not.

for me, it could be you who reads this and thinks that i don’t make any sense at all. or the one who watches behind you reading this. or not.

for everybody, it could be just what we all want. but wanting it isn’t doing it. i have to make it happen for myself, so should you.

and when it does happen, we wouldn’t have to sing sad songs anymore and be lonely.