My Sister’s Birthday

Happy birthday to my dearest and ever-dependable sister. Ate, you’ve always been a rock that I could hold on to. Through the good and the trying times, you’ve always been a very grounded sister and I could never ask for anything else.

We may be living two worlds apart but in times when I feel alone I only think of how I told Mum that no matter what, I’ll always just have to remind myself that my siblings are just around, which is true. Thank you for just being there and everything else.

I hope you enjoy your day this time and may God bless you abundantly.

I love you.

FRIENDS, like last year, feel free to extend your birthday greetings to my sister in Toronto, by commenting on this post. Just my little way of saying thank you, because if my sister had not been there for me, I wouldn’t get to where I am now and probably would not have met so many of you. Cheers!

via Gorjus Marsh on Facebook.



KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERAIt has been ages since I have participated in an exchange gift scheme. The “monito-monita” thing is really fun but I realised that I didn’t fully appreciate the idea that you are somewhat forced to give something because you’re a part of it. It defeats the purpose of “giving”.

Christmas reminds us of the spirit of giving. Hell, it’s not just Christmas but should be all year round. If you want to give, give. You don’t have to feel pressured to wrap that present and give to someone whose name you drew out of a fish bowl “in the spirit of fun and the season”.

To be honest I have rarely given gifts myself to any of the people close to me in a lot of occasions. It could be either I’m trying to make ends meet so bad at that time – just like now – or I felt that whatever tangible object I could give, they’re so much capable of getting it for themselves that I just show them gestures of love instead. A very few of my loved ones may be able to tell you how much I love them. I’d literally go out of my way and at some point tried to put my life to a pause just to be with them.

Peru - Chacapampafood to the homelessI have done my own gift-giving, away from the ever criticising eyes of people. I do not intend to be sneered at for talking about how and who I’ve given to so I’d rather not get into the details. To make it simple, at some point I have paid it forward… to nameless, faceless individuals we often ignore. I’ve shared spare stuff, maybe even divided what I have, and at some point only left something what I feel I need at the moment. It doesn’t matter.

It just breaks my heart to see how selfish and greedy I could sometimes be and see someone out there with practically nothing. And then also comes the idea that, yeah, I feel obligated to buy presents for these friends, or relatives, or colleagues because they might be gutted if I don’t. Probably think that I’m the one that usually takes and never extends an arm. These people that think of you that way… I say never mind them.

friends-opening-preparing-christmas-presents-7211547slide_202306_571961_smallIn light of the coming occasion, I wish we all realise how important it is to be with that person who values you so much, or maybe needs you so bad.

I wish we all see that however great the feeling of giving is, it is important that we do not feel like we are forced to show that gesture. It has to come from our hearts, not peer pressure or any other outside forces.

praying surprise visitHugFriends in coffee shopGiving is not mandatory – not like the taxes imposed on us. It has to be something you are willing and able to do. It’s not just things that money can buy that we can give. A couple of hours at a coffee shop with a friend who wants to talk would do. A surprise home-visit to a relative who has been meaning to catch up with you. A walk in the park, a warm hug and a silent understanding of a difficult situation someone is in, a sincere and friendly smile, a wink that says it will be okay, and a silent prayer.. they are all gestures of giving.


MOM'S WAKE3 MOM WAS THE ONLY CONSTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE. I’d She was my movie and soap opera partner. We can last for hours just sitting in front of the television watching our favourite soap operas. We would even skip having dinner at the dining table and bring our food instead in the living room just to watch them. It’s a little funny to think that sometimes, we would ask for an update whenever one of us missed an episode or two. It had always been me as I have been working.
It was only until recently that I got a new job that I was unable to sit with her anymore in front of the telly. I got totally busy.
Aside from our addiction to soap opera, our only habit that seemed to be very hard to break was to go and eat out. We used to have a lot of dates, just me and her. That was besides the days out she spent with one of her closest friends Tita Margie. That was how she is relieved from boredom, whenever she went out and eat at her favourite restaurant, Chicken Inasal.
For more or less  four years that we spent together since she came back to the Philippines in 2007, from Toronto, I made sure that she had a good time. Aside from the usual arguments and discussion that we had, everything seemed to have been very normal and yet wonderful for her. Whenever we have extra money and there’s a new movie  that she wanted to watch, she’d ask me. And although I had not been able to take her out of town, not once, she was okay to have just spent time with me.
She was the only person I have got. I never want to think that she’s gone. I think I would be in denial first after this but eventually, an unseen powerful presence would give me peace and comfort knowing that I still have her, we still have her, watching over the things we do.
I also don’t want us to think that this will be the last time that we’d see her. No. I don’t want us to be left with mom’s image in a white box surrounded by flowers and people mourning her passing. What I wish for us now to remember is the happiest of all moments we had with her, because my mom was a very happy and friendly person.
If there’s anything that I would always be thankful for, it’s the fact that we were not given the option to choose who our parents would be, because who knows, I would have made the wrong choice. I am ever grateful that I was borne of parents like my dad, whose coming home we also remember today, and my mom, whom we will all together send off to her maker so that she would be with dad.
Within the past week our home had been filled with sadness because mom was in a critical condition. And her physical regression made us feel that she was suffering. Tuesday morning, when I got back from work I told her that I’d bring her to the hospital so she could get better. Apparently, there was need for her to be brought to a different hospital but she thought against it. I asked her if she could still bear the travel in an ambulance and she said she just wanted to be brought back home and rest so we could go to the hospital the following day. I did not have any idea that it would be the last request I would ever give her, that she be brought back home so she’d be more comfortable as she rested. If you were to ask me, I was torn between my hopes of her to recover and have her strength back so we’d have more time together and she could also go back to  Canada against the silent prayer for her suffering to be over and let her rest.
On Wednesday when I talked to her and she could barely speak, I took the spot beside her and laid there to hug her and touch her hair while talking. I asked her if she needed to rest and she nodded her head. It was the same thing that my brother asked her because we all felt she was tired and she needed to rest and come home. I asked her to sleep but she wouldn’t oblige. She was waiting… na perhaps for an assurance from us that we would be all right.. that we won’t fight anymore. We have to admit that siblings would always have differences, but one thing I promised mom on that day, we would reconcile our differences and avoid in as much as we could the nasty arguments. I also assured her that we can pull through.. and at the back of my head I silently said that my siblings and I would look after and take care of each other.
I really don’t know what is going to happen after this. As far as I am concerned, although I know I’m old enough to choose and stand-up to what I want in life, I still cannot take it for granted that I might need help and that in the future, my only fear is to become helpless. I don’t want it to happen. Perhaps that was one of the reasons Mom did not let go right away. When she was in the hospital last year and my friends visited her, I stepped out to smoke. And because I didn’t get to listen to what they talked about, my friend NyAnn told me that Mom was only worried about what I am going to do when she’s gone (referring to her coming back to Canada and leaving me at home on my own). Then again, I know, with all the spiritual guidance that I can get, nothing bad is going to happen to me.
When I was getting dressed for this service I was asking myself, can I really make it? Will all of us be able to survive without our parents around now? Perhaps my siblings could because they have their families to support them. But for someone left alone, what is it going to be like for me?
I don’t want you to be under the impression that I have just begun to feel sorry for myself. I was just thinking out loud. The answer would be dependent on the choices I make. I can survive if the choices I make were to only help me go through it all.But what I have really been thinking of is the prayer that was started by Francis of Assisi. When push comes to shove, I think I only need to remind myself to ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
That prayer helps and I am sure it would continue to help me… us, a lot through our lives.
Mom has come home, to all of us who love her, may we all be given the serenity to accept the inevitable. We cannot change what’s supposed to happen and neither could we go against God’s will. What we could do now is to thank God that Mom was given a life that I would be safe to reckon she lived to the fullest.
Mom finally rests. May we all be given the courage to change our feeling of loss and misery into something more peaceful. I hope we all have the strength to continue our lives thinking of all the happy memories we built and shared with my mother. May we not become weak and weary to move on only because our loved ones went ahead of us. Let us all have the courage to think that we did not lose anything or anyone at all.
Mom has taken the hands of God and is now walking with Him to eternal life. May we all be given the wisdom to know the difference. What we feel now is that we lost someone we hold so dear in our hearts, that’s inevitable and undeniable. But if we come to think of it, Mom will finally be happy, with Dad and with God.
Before I wrap this up, I would like to tell everyone that our family appreciate everything you have showed us. From the people who stood by her while she was fighting for her life to those who have extended their help by simply sticking with us from day one until tonight. Your gestures of support, love and condolences together with your prayers and our faith will surely help us pull through and get through the grief. In behalf of my siblings, I will forever be thankful that you have shown us your compassion to Mom and all of us in the family.
In closing this, I would not share any dreams of Mom. I didn’t have any. Maybe because the lifetime that she lived and shared with me were enough for us to make each other feel the love that we had for each other. But we will always have her memories. I will always have her love. And she will always have mine… ours. I love you Mom.. and thank you.


sta_rosa_bigI used to have an insufferable allergy to hospitals. Not that it has caused me trauma in the past. It’s just that I have known that hospitals are for the sick and the dying and that people who run hospitals are greedy monsters who never cared about anything but to rip patients off their hard earned money. I think the traditional Filipino movies have made me gone under that impression. I didn’t realise that hospitals were not just business establishments. There were not just concrete edifices constructed to confine the sick and the dying. There were not filled with greedy monsters ripping patients off.

Hospitals are institutions to serve humanity and to reach a noble goal… serve humanity. They were established with so much zest for the continuity of life. They are sturdy brick walls and concrete storeys of shelter and healing for those who need to get back in shape. Hospitals are not just beds and linens and people in white and scrub suits. They are, in a surreal way of looking at it, a comfort zone.

My mother and I found comfort in this bit of the city we live in. It doesn’t sound so good when you look at it subjectively because that would mean additional and unexpected expenses for the family finances, which may sometimes cause a little disagreement among family members, not to mention the fact that the reason you came to the hospital is that you are sick. But then again, who am I to misjudge the kind of comfort that maybe she and absolutely I found here.

Every bit of thing in this hospital makes me feel good despite the difficulties both mom and I are experiencing. The bed that lifts your leg and reclines your upper body, the pillows, linens and couches show that they care about your comfort while you are being treated. The television set entertains you in a probably very difficult situation. The empty fridge only makes you feel that you’ve got all the chances in the world to fill it up with food and beverages to make sure you don’t starve while confined. The trash bin and the waste segregation scheme, the antiseptics and sterile equipment assures you that there is no room for contamination and infection in this place. The intercom buzzer gives you that feeling that there is always someone who can immediately attend to your health care needs. That oxygen tank helps you breathe easily.

Intensive Care Units were put up to take care of those who needed more attention. The operating room were there to salvage what’s left of the damage created by the illness. Emergency rooms were there to assure us of the immediate attention to each case of illness we come there for. The hallways are there to give us room to breathe when we feel too exhausted and to even let us meet people, be cordial and eventually be friendly with them. The lobby… ah, not just for the free wireless internet frequency access but the lobby just tells us that we are welcome to visit the patients who are being treated in those hospitals.

Doctors are not just professionals. They are noblemen. They devoted several years of their academic life to study about saving lives and making sure that everyone is safe from the harms of any possible illness. Surgeons make sure that every thing is in place and functioning properly. My cousin was right when I once heard him that becoming a doctor is public service. One should look beyond the wealth that this profession might give them but instead foresee how many people’s lives will change and be safe because of their help. There should be no amount that could reciprocate to the kind of service that these men of medicine provide regardless of a patient’s capacity to pay. Doctors treat their patients in this bit equally. No race, gender nor age is even important when duty calls them to cure and save lives.

The whole hospital staff is not just a company of people running a business. They have roles to fulfil in our lives as patients, guests and guardians. They were not hired. The hospital staff were discriminately chosen to help us in our needs. They were carefully interviewed and placed where they are now to willingly serve us. People in the hospital billing team were put there to graciously accommodate out enquiries regarding the current account status of our patients. They were there to explain how things happen should we fail to provide them a partial payment. They can tactfully let you know of how it affects everyone. The laboratory people are there to make sure that the tests are accurate and that there is no room for mistakes. There have studied well to know that one erroneous laboratory procedure can cost someone’s life. The orderlies, the linen woman, the food tray chap, they are there to assist and work with every one to give us all the comfort that we need and make us feel that hospitals are somewhat a home away from home.

Nurses… I used to antagonise a lot of them due to my stupid prejudice that they are indeed dispensable. True enough, with the number of students who graduated in the nursing school, about 10 registered nurses would kill for a position left by someone who resigned or got fired. But the whole mom-having-to-be-confined-thing changed everything. Nurses are very hardworking. You cannot hear them complain how heavy the patient that they had to carry. You won’t see it in their faces that they are tired from an eight hour duty… lest require them to work on a double shift. Each time some volunteer or a staff nurse knocks on a patient’s door, the smile and the cordial greeting will always be there. Nurses take all the time and effort to let the guardian and the patient know what everything is all about… from the single drop of that IV to the increase and decrease of oral medicines that the patient has to take. I have considered the nurses in this bit where my mom and I are right now close to my heart. I could only remember the names of a few but all of them have been really gracious from the first time that we were here and now, after a month, that we had to be back. I admire and thank them so much for having done a great deal of looking after my mom and making sure that her condition gets better. They couldn’t be friendlier than ever.

This is what hospitals are all about. Having a heart for people and having a zest for life. I often audaciously wish to be very rich so I could put up an institution like this of my own… if it’s too costly for that, I should at least be rich enough to get my mom a suite in this infirmary so that she could be well taken care of and her medical needs be perfunctorily be attended.


23 MARCH 2009

When you lost touch and never heard from each other for some time, the only reasons behind it that you know are your own. We would have to know his, much as we would want to, but we couldn’t. What makes it more bitterly absurd is that we AVATARare not even certain if we really want to know especially if we feel that it would just slice through our hearts.

You cannot be too hard on yourself if the two of you had a falling apart. It wasn’t your fault that he missed something that you were trying to make him see. I know the pain is very hard to bear and you cannot at times help it but to take the fall for what happened. I can’t imagine being in your predicament.

You knew you were at your best even though it didn’t prove to be enough. Best does not mean perfection. Even the most excellent behaviour and deeds have their limitations. Flaws would always come around. You may have had flaws when you were with him and trying to do everything you could to let things grow yet it wasn’t something that you should be hard on yourself about.

We cannot possibly make them take all of what we want to give when all they want to pay for is the usual price for a slice of pie. If they want a slice, we can just give them a bit so they could come back for more.

If this is really what you need then you have to be strong. As you start pulling through there would be roadblocks that would at times push you to the limit. It may sometimes make you want to just give up and you shouldn’t. Tearing yourself away from him and the things that you both shared together would be hard and not any less painful than you think. I surmise that that should be more reason for you to keep it together. There would be no one to bear all of these but you and in the end, when it makes you a better person and you have finally regained your lost self when you loved him, you can say that the pain was all worth it.

Feel how utterly depressing and disappointing it had been. Have a good cry about it and you can even be angry at it but don’t fight it. Don’t break apart fighting something that you should be nursing. The more you smack on the wound, the more painful it gets.

Soon enough, when we have finally loved ourselves as we deserve it, we will find someone we can really share it with. Forget about having so much love to give and no one wanting it. What if it was really so much for them to take? Wouldn’t it feel too pressing for them to give back what we did? If they fail after trying so hard to reciprocate whatever feelings we have for them they tend to feel bad about themselves and rather find someone they can love the way they feel and know it.

Love, romance and commitment are not about giving all of you. It seems more like sharing what you both have to make it grow.


Mitchell my love,

i draw my courage to face the despair of leaving you behind from all the years of loving you. i could not imagine having gone through life without you. the strength for me to tell you all these were taken from all the times that we have shared together perfectly.

yes, i can say that what we had have been perfect. finally, i can say that. all throughout time we have always said that our relationship is a continuous work in progress. now that one of us have to leave and move on, it can be told, nothing can be more perfect than what we have shared together.

do not come to think that i am claiming perfection because it is ending. even in my death bed i would not dare that our relationship would come to an end. the love that i feel for you will always be there to guide you and to protect you, the same way i will be bringing the love you have for me to the heavens so i can tell the angels of how happy i was to have been on earth with someone as magnificent as you.

although i cannot stop myself now from crying, i am still fighting the pain. i am incessantly drawing all the courage i can to tell you things you have already heard from me. i will continue to love you even in the next life after i close my eyes and breathe my last breath on earth.

god will not put an end to our love just as he never puts an end to any love elsewhere. it is transcendent. just like a circle, the love that we have for each other has no beginning and no end. it goes around and will forever be felt by both of us.

mitch, do not ever forget to let yourself carry on with your life. that was what you taught me. that even if we became one in our relationship we still manage to grow as individuals because  that was the only way we can have more things to share with each other. when i am gone, continue making yourself grow into a better person. do the things that you love to do and share it with everyone who loved us both. i do not want you to stop living only because i will physically leave your side.

my body will come to rest because god does not want me to be burdened by this illness anymore. but it doesnt mean that my spirit will be gone. i will be up there in the heavens to watch over you and continue to love you. only by promising you that can i ensure that you will be comforted and not be consumed by the sadness.

the pain that you feel is inevitable. i am deeply hurt by the thought of leaving you, too. but when i think of finally surrendering myself in the hands of god who gave you to me, i find solace. i cannot force you to let the pain go right away. but i can assure you that god’s love will help you endure the anguish in time.

honey, i want you to know that there is nothing more i want for you in this world than to be happy. and i know that it will be hard because i wont be there beside you anymore, as you have constantly told me that i make you happy. however, please assure me that you will allow yourself the chance to live life as you do when i met you. it will take so much effort for you to be all right, and perhaps a lifetime to mend your broken heart but do not lose faith. i will be up there to ask god to guide you.

as i leave your side, do not feel that i have abandoned you. i will never do that. i will never leave you nor forsake you. i will only be joining the angels so there will be more of us to protect you and watch over you. i will even be the one, in time, to send someone by your side to make you happy.

i will go to rest when i finally close my eyes. when i do that, sing me the songs we knew until you realise how perfect things had been for the two of us. i want to see your tears flow, but not of despair but of happiness. there was no despair in our relationship, even in the end. cry, mitch. but only cry of the joy our love has brought us. promise me that.

when you cry of sadness because you miss me, let it flow. and by those tears let your pain be washed away slowly.

all i need to know is that you are still here beside me. having said that, nothing can hurt me now. the clouds have gone and the skies are beginning to clear. i will rest as needed. i will come home and i will take your love home with me, to protect me from pain. nothing can hurt me when i finally lay to rest.

i love you, mitchell. i love you so much. things will be okay, i promise. it’s going to be all right now.

take good care of yourself.




i was on my way to star city kagabi after i had dinner at aubrey’s. birthday niya kasi. i wanted to stay pero pinasunod ako ni jeff sa star city na hindi
ko rin naman nagawa. kasi nga nung nasa bus na ako nakita ako ni vang at ni camille. they asked me kung saan ako pupunta and they wanted to follow. nagkita kami sa petron sa pasay road and we decided to just hang out and have a drink. yun. ending almost 4:00 am na kami nakauwi.


on the bus, on our way home, may nakasakay kaming gay couple. cute pa nga yung isa.


bakit ba para akong pinaparusahan kapag nakakakita ako ng masayang gay couple?



naalala ko kasi before i turned 25, sabi ko kelangan magkaboyfriend na ako ulit. (sabi ni vang, dahil may okasyon… he he he he) siguro nga nadadala lang ng panahon ang feelings ko.

hindi ko daw dapat na i-compare kahit na kelan kung paano niya ko minahal dahil hindi naman daw magagawa yun ng susunod kong boyfriend after him.

IN RETURN SABI KO KAY MANDO BEFORE HE LEFT, I THINK NGAYON NA YUNG TIME NA AKO NAMAN ANG MAGBIBIGAY BECAUSE ALL MY LIFE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AT THE RECEIVING END. i tried. i failed. itanong mo sa best friend ko. at kay tessa. for a short period of time nakita nila how i gave na walang angst. nagbubuwisit ako pero nakita nila how i had been happy with alex until it all failed. SABI KASI NI ALEX NASAKAL SIYA. e di nasakal!

I LOST MY CONFIDENCE AFTER THAT INCIDENT. FROM THEN NAISIP KO NA IT’S REALLY NOT ME TO BE ON THE GIVING END. BRAT AKO EH. i failed when i tried giving. tapos ang tumatak pa sa isip ko ISA AKONG MALAKING ROPE NA NAGLALAKAD. na sa tuwing may makakakita sa akin lalayo to save their lives.


E MABALIK TAYO DUN SA MAGJOWA SA BUS. PARUSA YUN! kasi parang naiisip ko, ako dapat yun. ako dapat yung masaya. yung shining. yung dapat hindi Nagkakaganito. kaya nung nakita namin yung magjowa na nakakatulog sa byahe, I PROMISED MYSELF ISUSULAT KO TO FOR EVERYONE TO READ.



O KATAWAN LANG NILA ANG GUSTO AT GANUN DIN SILA SA AKIN? hahahahaha! nakakatawa pero minsan nang sinabi ni ACE sa akin yan! biro kung pakikinggan mo pero may laman di ba? minsan na nga akong naikumpara kay — (wag na natin siyang pangalanan) dahil hindi nga raw ako marunong mag keep ng relasyon.

PWEDE RING KAYA PARUSA SA AKIN ANG SIGHT NG ISANG COUPLE AY DAHIL SA FACT NA I STILL LONG TO BE SWEPT OFF MY FEET. yung hindi naman tipong fairy tale pero yung gaya nung naramdaman ko para sa mga ex ko. ganun lang. yung hindi pwersado yung feeling. yung natural.


ALANGAN NAMAN KASING PILITIN KO YUNG SARILI KONG MARAMDAMAN YUNG HINDI KO NARARAMDAMAN. at alangan din namang pilitin ko silang maramdaman para sa akin yung hindi nila nararamdaman.

KUNG LIBOG AT LIBOG DIN LANG NAMAN, MARAMI AKO NIYAN. walang halong kagaguhan pero gago talaga ako. kanya kanya lang naman tayo ng kakupalan sa buhay. but i’d like to keep my casual one nighters in discretion. i may not be your typical hunk type to be considered discreet but i know when to shut my mouth about the things i do. that’s discretion.

I DONT SLEEP AROUND TO TRY KUNG KANINO YUNG MAY MARARAMDAMAN TALAGA AKO. i engage in casual one nighters dahil i feel like it. nahohorny ako e di maghanap ng casual one nighter. MINSAN NAKAKAPAGOD DIN TO SLEEP AROUND. PARANG YUN AT YUN DIN LANG NAMAN, WALANG PINAG IBA. iba iba lang ng size, ng level ng peformance. may passionate, merong RAW, meron naman na sobrang gentle kala mo paraho kayong in love. pero paglipas nung init at pagkataos niyong magpahinga you will both dwell in silence at magpapakiramdaman sino ang magpapaalam kanino para umalis. WHAM! BAM! THANK YOU MA`AM! touch and go. parang liquid
correction fluid. nagawa ko na yan. HINDI NAMAN AKO KALINISAN.


E KAYA NGA SIGURO PARUSA PARA SA AKIN ANG MAKAKITA NG COUPLE NA MASAYA,MAAYOS AT KITA MONG NAGMAMAHALAN. kasi nga bitter ako at may nami-miss ako. pero hindi na naman sila babalik ngayon eh. minsan na silang naging parte ng buhay ko. kelangan ko harapin ang buhay ko ngayon which is exactly what i’m doing.




HINDI KO NA PAABUTIN NG THIRD PAGE ITO. your comments are most welcome. ang point ko lang naman is to share how i feel ngayon na kagigising ko lang. at ang gwapo ng katabi ko ngayon! he he he he.

KUNG FEELING KO PARA AKONG PINARURUSAHAN EVERYTIME I SEE AN “IDEAL” COUPLE, OK LANG. FEELING KO ITO NO. wag mo nang tangkain na turuan ako kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. alam ko kung ano yun.

KUNG FEELING MO YOU CAN SHARE A PART OF YOUR LIFE WITH ME, TRY TO BE IN TOUCH. not that i want to use this to get hooked up or find a possible relationship. GUSTO KO LANG SABIHIN.


PARA SA MGA TAONG GAYA KO, PARA SA MGA TAONG MARUNONG MAGMAHAL. para sa mga brat, mga simpleng tao, sa mga nawalan, sa mga tumatanggap, sa mga tarantado. PARA KAY MARI, KAY VANG, KAY JADE NA HUNNY KO, KAY MOMMIE EIY, sa mga kaibigan ko, sa mga kunya kunyaring kaibigan ko. PARA KAY ARMAND.






13 JUNE 2004


the fire trees have spoken… summer has come to wither for it’s own death. the glory of the fiery afternoon skies will be no more. the overcast of the clouds reign and the darkness shall prevail.

the rains have started to fall.. and it will forever remind me of you… its sound falling on the leaves.. the scent of wet earth.. the feel of it falling on my head just lulls me into an abysmal limbo. would i lose myself again?

yesterday, as i watched , from afar, the fireworks from the rooftop of the building i was staying.. when suddenly it started to rain… then it was pouring. i stood there silently.. alone. it was the the cold wind giving me chills that brought me back to my senses. the rain made me cry. suddenly, emotions were overflowing… i just stood there dripping… waiting… waiting for the rain to sweep me all away….

vivid pictures of you and i came to me… right there . that very same spot i was.. you and me… all dripping wet, as we held so close to each other… feeling each others heartbeat.
again and again, selfish imaginings such as that , brings me to the edge of eternity..

ME MYSELF how foolish is it of me?? how would that be possible? now that i’ve already blown it… everything…. sanity, had i guess, left me for a while..

yet, i miss hearing your voice… i often visit your faceparty account and stare at your pictures for hours… i miss those messages from you… the way you would always make an effort to let me know you were always around even if you haven’t any phone… i miss everything about you.. and everything that you are to me…
oh no! god! what am i saying?… am i even thinking… i just can’t keep myself from saying that. it wouldn’t be honest enough if i didn’t say that at all…

i hate to think that this was what was meant to be… that time had brought us here.. that everything was purely coincidental.. that it was destined to end just like that.. i know it wasn’t! for it was our choice all along.. we chose everything that we are now… we chose not to extend ourselves for we know, that, deep inside our very hearts, that we weren’t ready for it. our pasts continue to haunt us … the pains and the tears never stopped following us around.

i actually hesitated to write this letter… not knowing what will it cause you…
it actually made me happy knowing that seven hours away.. there was someone who desires to kiss the air that kissed me a few moments back… that somehow… someone thinks of me… that made me happy.. really!

i will never stop wishing that i had the tinderbox so that every time i go to sleep i would open it and command the dogs to fetch for you, as you are deeply asleep, so that i could kiss you goodnight.
now, shall i bring it back to you that, “my most audacious desire shall only be to kiss the air that kissed you a few moment back!”

please keep in touch….

jay ar

JUDE: A Midsummer Night’s Dream in November

November 1999 – July 2003

BeFunky_MotionColor_1 Coaching took a while today at the Centre for the Performing Arts and I was running late for the reservation I have for the Film Institute’s screening of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I thought that things were doing fine on the last set of my repertoire for next week’s performance but Cindy had to sit me down for a few more pointers on how things should be done in order for the recital to be better than we were expecting. She could have just emailed me about the last minute pointers but she thought it was important that we talked about it personally. So I had to rush now to the Film Institute and catch my reservation.

There was no way that traffic could be any worse on my way. I was cursing inside my head because I could not miss the screening I so have been waiting for. You could imagine my frustration at the sight of bumper-to-bumper traffic along this road. I only had half an hour or everything would be put to waste.

I immediately rushed to the lobby to confirm the reservation I made at the box-office section so I could get my seat.  I couldn’t be more thankful that I made it with fifteen minutes to spare. That would give me time to at least grab something to nibble on while watching. I rushed to the nearest snack bar by the lobby, grabbed a large cup of ice cold lemon tea and a hotdog sandwich, with my records in tow and a few stuff I have brought with me.

I was walking my way back to the cinema entrance when by pager went off. I had to reach into my pocket and read the message with everything in both my hands and arms. While doing that and having been in a rush to drop my stuff on my seat inside the theatre, the most unfortunate thing happened. I bumped into some guy I didn’t notice because of my stupidity and spilled my iced tea on his shirt and trousers. The hotdog sandwich fell and out of panic all my stuff slipped down to the floor.

It was utterly humiliating that I could not even look up to see who I bumped into. I just went on ahead picking up the clutter when I heard him mutter something in amusement. I was surprised and a bit annoyed to have found him amused with what happened. I had to ask him in defiance what he found funny and he only told me that the whole sight of me was just amusing that he couldn’t help it. I apologised but told him how repulsive his reaction was to what happened. He said he could have been pissed off had it been somebody else. The accident was a stupid mistake I didn’t deliberately do but there was something odd about that last remark of his.

He asked me where I was headed when I finally picked up the last piece of stuff I dropped and hurriedly told him that I was about to watch A Midsummer Night’s Dream and I was not going to miss it because of my being a klutz. Coincidentally, he was going to see the same film and told me that he could accompany me if I was to go with him to his car so he could at least change his trousers and shirt. I was hesitant about his proposal but there is no way that I could pay him back for the damage I did but to agree to it. He assured me that the film would not start in five minutes and it would not take him any more than that to slip into a new set of clothes so I agreed and walked with him to his car.

While he was changing and on our way back he happened to have asked me a lot of things that I was in no way to have avoided answering them. I told him I was  training at the Centre for the Performing Arts and I was on the last day of my rehearsals before the recital in four days time. He asked if he could get an invite and I had somehow agreed that I would give him a pass to make up for the stupid accident.

He was silent all throughout the movie. From the opening credits until the lights went on he didn’t say anything. It was as if he was respecting my space or he just wanted to savour the movie just as how much I have wanted to appreciate it. He never said a word but there were times that he would either deliberately or accidentally place his hands over mine and I would lean my head on his shoulder. No one said a word nor had we exchanged knowing glances. We just sat right there for over two hours watching every scene until it was over.

I thanked him for accompanying me in the theatre and started walking out of the cinema but he tried to catch up. He asked about the invitation to my recital and I said yes. But he needed a confirmation. How stupid of me to have not thought about a way we could get in touch with each other when the recital was only four days ahead. He immediately handed me his card and told me to give him a holler. I nodded in agreement. Just as I was about to leave I heard an invitation from him to have coffee somewhere. I was about to say no but remembered I at least owed him something besides an apology. 

I told him other stuff while he was driving. He decided that we should have coffee at Starbucks at the South Toll Way and he would drop me off at the exit nearest my town before he heads back to the city. I feel hesitant and embarrassed about the gesture but I was somehow unable to refuse the offer. There was something in his demeanour that made me unable to refuse this stranger named Jude.

We had coffee and sat down for a while. He asked about a lot of things aside from those we had already talked about. I didn’t get any chance to ask him about himself as I was really not the inquisitive type. He didn’t tell my anything either, perhaps because he was waiting for me to ask him about it until he ran out of things to ask me.

We paused for a few minutes and enjoyed the coffee and cigarettes we were having until he voiced out his curiosity about why I never asked him anything at all while he practically learned a lot of things about me. I just told him that it was never my habit to ask people about their lives when they could have just told me bits that I at least should know. I had to tell him that I was being careful about getting a bit too personal in my questions so I just based my judgment of character on what I have been told and prolonged observation. He just smiled and I started to tell me that he was an ex-medical student from the US who flew to Manila to take on another endeavour.

I learned that he works as a Senior Manager in an international commercial airline company. His family was in the medical field, having doctors for a father and two siblings. His mom was a nurse turned chef in the US, too. He veered away from medicine because he knew that he didn’t really have an inclination for it. He wanted to pursue business administration and music but he told himself that he at least owed his dad that. When he was about to graduate from med school, he dropped out and told his dad about his plans. Although the family was disappointed they did not take it against him because he already proved his worth. He aced med school from his freshman year and would have graduated with honours but they all knew that it would be put to waste as he had no intentions of practicing.

His family gave him their blessing when he said he will be pursuing business administration in Manila and would take on a job and start from scratch. True enough he was able to make it and he could consider himself as one the world’s most eligible bachelor, in his own uncelebrated right.

Jude was a charming man. He was ten years my age and was just the kindest and most considerate man I have been introduced to or met. All throughout our conversation I learned how goodhearted this man is when he told me about how he has been helping an orphanage in the city and how he has been friends with the nuns there. He told me that he had a penchant for social work and had he become a doctor by profession he would have devoted his practice helping the needy.

In the middle of our conversation, he told me about a place 45 minutes south of my town. It was a partly secluded resort that served as his hideaway for the past three years. I was not quite familiar with the place but I knew the town where it was located. I had not the foggiest in the world that right that minute he would invite to go there for a late night swim. I could have said no and told him that we could do it some other time but I did not have the strength to refuse him.

We drove for over thirty minutes to get there. Much to my surprise, he was prepared. He handed me a towel and swimming trunks from the trunk of his car. It was as if he had plans of going on his own

The place was homey. We got a twin sharing room for us so I  had an inkling we might be spending the night over. I didn’t say anything that might embarrass or disappoint him. We went for a swim for more or less an hour and spent the rest of the night eating and talking about everything we could think of.

When it was time for me to go home he volunteered to drive me safely rather than have me take public transport. He told me that we would do it again if we got in touch soon. I remembered I had his card but I didn’t tell him how he could get in touch with me so I asked for a pen and did.

Four days later, he became my biggest fan at the recital. He brought me flowers and a wristwatch as my graduation gift. I introduced him to my performance coach. We had dinner and he drove me home.

Things changed after the recital. I took on a part time job and got busy. In between Jude’s out of the country business trips and my job we would find time to meet anywhere and have dinner, watch a movie, have coffee. We would stay in a hotel in a province, or go somewhere where we could just sit and be with each other.

Dating Jude had to be the best thing that ever happened to me. For a few months we have been going out and have been savouring each moment until the bigger picture came in. We both decided to move in together, perhaps because it was the best arrangement that we could have had that time. He had a condominium unit in the city where I could move in. He didn’t tell me to give up the things I have because they were mine before we met.  He asked me to put up my apartment for rent so I could have an extra income. He told me that I could have all my stuff moved to his unit in the soonest possible time. He was full of pleasant surprises.

On the day that I moved in with him, I learned that he bought an extra unit beside the one he already had so we could have extra space for mine and his stuff. He had the bathroom rebuilt according to my lifestyle, walk-in closet and all that.

Jude and I lived together as a couple. There were a few rare times that we had arguments like couples do but everything would end up with a pleasant surprise from him. He spoiled me like a child that I was and lavished me with gifts and gestures of love. Nothing could ever replace those moments in my life.

He introduced me to his loving grandmother who lived in the family manor east of the city. He made me meet his boss, brought me to the orphanage, he helped me through things that I had to go through. Jude loved me for all that I am and he was just the most perfect man anyone could have.

Our relationship though was never perfect. We would fight over petty things and big stuff. However, there had been no argument that could have been detrimental to the love that we shared. Each of the arguments and fights that we have had were settled with a normal amount of perspective.

Jude had been the best experience and relationship that I have had in my entire life. Considering the fact that I really never had any relationship more serious than what I had with him, I did not think I would ever be able to put up with another one.

We spent the following couple of years effortlessly making things work in our relationship. I was the one who needed to learn more but he had been patient enough to let me realise things on my own pace. He loved me for who I was and loved me for the person I have turned into for the duration of our relationship.

There were times that he would be sent out of the country and I would be left on my own but each time he came back I missed him more that I thought I ever would. Our relationship became stronger each day that I did not know I would find it so hard to let everything go in time.

— There is no end to Jude’s story. Like there is no end to LOVE. Romantic stories may end in sadness and separation but LOVE should not end there. And even though we may constantly tell ourselves that we have moved on and are happy with the current relationships that we have, we can never deny the fact that somehow, there was one “Jude story” that helped us become the person we are today. That is not called clinging on to the past. I would rather call it, remembering how the past contributed to our worth as a person.



25 MAY 2003
"Each drop of the rain equated every single tear dropping from his eyes. And as it poured, tears streamed like there was no tomorrow. It was as if he’d never weep again. He wanted to drown himself from the salty tears so he could hope there’d be no more pain to come. He could wish that the storm would subside and that another glimpse of happiness will come. Oh, how he wished it never happened, it never came to hurt him like this. How he could just wish so hard…"

"Armand, I’d have to let you go. And you know how hard it is for me. It’d be another hell for me to come across with. I’d have to be faced with another harsh reality of life. Nonetheless I’d have to think of banishing you away from me as another turning point. I can never be happy anymore with you. And you know that very well. It’s gonna be a lot harder for me to get a grip having you around. if you wish to go the so be it. And Matt, you’d have to leave him too. I would have to let the two of you and the hell you brought me leave me so i can get on with the fact that i do deserve something more real and something more worth it. I cannot lie to myself anymore that we still have something. That you could still make the difference I never had. I was a fool once, and again, I cannot let anyone nor anything bring me back there, not even the thought or the mere illusion of having you…"

"No more tears… not a single drop came anymore tonight and last night. When you said you’d leave, that was the last time i knew i wept because of you. Don’t take it for anything else but you knew very well i’d be very much relieved having you out of my life.And you knew it’d be quite easier for me to get on with a lotta things when you’re away. But for whatever it is worth i’d let you know i am scared… not of losing you but of having to face reality again without anyone. I could not say I had never been happy with you, though. It’s just that we sometimes have to really be left alone…"

" I have not thanked you enough for everything. But I do not have the right words. There’s no possible way I could rightly express my appreciation. But nevertheless, thank you! For making me believe… in myself, you, and other people. Thank you for always making me have something to tell my friends and those just around to listen to me about us. Thank you, for you, for bringing me into your world and showing me heaven and hell both at the same time. Thanks for yelling at me, for letting me nag at you; thanks for beating the shit out of me and for making me almost always want to kill you… you’ll have to go now and leave me… Thank you!!!

for JUDE who finally had to go