wentworth_miller_12Nope! I am not a fan of Prison Break. I don’t think I have watched a single episode. People are fussed over how much of a hunk Wentworth is. I don’t blame them. 

And then came the news that he’s gay. Well he outed himself in a letter to Russia a few months ago. It was all over the news. He was invited to come to Russia for a film festival which he refused.

Why?! Russia, particularly its government, is not over the moon about Gay And Lesbian activities that may influence minors. Well, at least that was what the law said.

However, the general impression it made was that they were just plain bigots who are against gender equality.

Any how, so Wentworth wrote and refused the invitation because he does not conform with their stance on LGBT rights.


Wenworth Miller's Letter To Russia
But that’s not what I’m banging about. I cam across this video where he admitted he tried to kill himself at 15, and how he hid in the closet for a long time since becoming an actor.

Growing up I was a target. Speaking the right way, standing the right way, holding your wrist the right way. Every day was a test and there was a thousand ways to fail. A thousand ways to portray yourself to not live up to someone else’s standards of what was accepted,” he added while holding his own feelings.

You might want to watch this and see how you would not be over the moon about it if you’re gay and contemplating suicide.





It has been over two years since I last posted something in this bit, hasn’t it?

Anyway, that’s not what I am writing to you about. The good news is, I have got the time now to manage two blogs – this one and the business bit, in between work. This means you can expect updates from me every now and then.

Well, I’ve just moved all my blog entries from some other platform to here for uniformity. It would be a bit fucked for people to redirect them from one platform to another if I wanted them to see my business channel and my personal blahs. So I decided it’s about time I stick to one platform.

I will mainly talk about random shit around here which I’m not sure if you’d ever be interested in. What the fuck?! At least, I tried, yeah?

So, if ever you’ve got something you feel like letting me write about and I feel like it, let me know. We’ll work our way around it and make it sound like some brainfart that makes sense, yeah?



MOM'S WAKE3 MOM WAS THE ONLY CONSTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE. I’d She was my movie and soap opera partner. We can last for hours just sitting in front of the television watching our favourite soap operas. We would even skip having dinner at the dining table and bring our food instead in the living room just to watch them. It’s a little funny to think that sometimes, we would ask for an update whenever one of us missed an episode or two. It had always been me as I have been working.
It was only until recently that I got a new job that I was unable to sit with her anymore in front of the telly. I got totally busy.
Aside from our addiction to soap opera, our only habit that seemed to be very hard to break was to go and eat out. We used to have a lot of dates, just me and her. That was besides the days out she spent with one of her closest friends Tita Margie. That was how she is relieved from boredom, whenever she went out and eat at her favourite restaurant, Chicken Inasal.
For more or less  four years that we spent together since she came back to the Philippines in 2007, from Toronto, I made sure that she had a good time. Aside from the usual arguments and discussion that we had, everything seemed to have been very normal and yet wonderful for her. Whenever we have extra money and there’s a new movie  that she wanted to watch, she’d ask me. And although I had not been able to take her out of town, not once, she was okay to have just spent time with me.
She was the only person I have got. I never want to think that she’s gone. I think I would be in denial first after this but eventually, an unseen powerful presence would give me peace and comfort knowing that I still have her, we still have her, watching over the things we do.
I also don’t want us to think that this will be the last time that we’d see her. No. I don’t want us to be left with mom’s image in a white box surrounded by flowers and people mourning her passing. What I wish for us now to remember is the happiest of all moments we had with her, because my mom was a very happy and friendly person.
If there’s anything that I would always be thankful for, it’s the fact that we were not given the option to choose who our parents would be, because who knows, I would have made the wrong choice. I am ever grateful that I was borne of parents like my dad, whose coming home we also remember today, and my mom, whom we will all together send off to her maker so that she would be with dad.
Within the past week our home had been filled with sadness because mom was in a critical condition. And her physical regression made us feel that she was suffering. Tuesday morning, when I got back from work I told her that I’d bring her to the hospital so she could get better. Apparently, there was need for her to be brought to a different hospital but she thought against it. I asked her if she could still bear the travel in an ambulance and she said she just wanted to be brought back home and rest so we could go to the hospital the following day. I did not have any idea that it would be the last request I would ever give her, that she be brought back home so she’d be more comfortable as she rested. If you were to ask me, I was torn between my hopes of her to recover and have her strength back so we’d have more time together and she could also go back to  Canada against the silent prayer for her suffering to be over and let her rest.
On Wednesday when I talked to her and she could barely speak, I took the spot beside her and laid there to hug her and touch her hair while talking. I asked her if she needed to rest and she nodded her head. It was the same thing that my brother asked her because we all felt she was tired and she needed to rest and come home. I asked her to sleep but she wouldn’t oblige. She was waiting… na perhaps for an assurance from us that we would be all right.. that we won’t fight anymore. We have to admit that siblings would always have differences, but one thing I promised mom on that day, we would reconcile our differences and avoid in as much as we could the nasty arguments. I also assured her that we can pull through.. and at the back of my head I silently said that my siblings and I would look after and take care of each other.
I really don’t know what is going to happen after this. As far as I am concerned, although I know I’m old enough to choose and stand-up to what I want in life, I still cannot take it for granted that I might need help and that in the future, my only fear is to become helpless. I don’t want it to happen. Perhaps that was one of the reasons Mom did not let go right away. When she was in the hospital last year and my friends visited her, I stepped out to smoke. And because I didn’t get to listen to what they talked about, my friend NyAnn told me that Mom was only worried about what I am going to do when she’s gone (referring to her coming back to Canada and leaving me at home on my own). Then again, I know, with all the spiritual guidance that I can get, nothing bad is going to happen to me.
When I was getting dressed for this service I was asking myself, can I really make it? Will all of us be able to survive without our parents around now? Perhaps my siblings could because they have their families to support them. But for someone left alone, what is it going to be like for me?
I don’t want you to be under the impression that I have just begun to feel sorry for myself. I was just thinking out loud. The answer would be dependent on the choices I make. I can survive if the choices I make were to only help me go through it all.But what I have really been thinking of is the prayer that was started by Francis of Assisi. When push comes to shove, I think I only need to remind myself to ask God to grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
That prayer helps and I am sure it would continue to help me… us, a lot through our lives.
Mom has come home, to all of us who love her, may we all be given the serenity to accept the inevitable. We cannot change what’s supposed to happen and neither could we go against God’s will. What we could do now is to thank God that Mom was given a life that I would be safe to reckon she lived to the fullest.
Mom finally rests. May we all be given the courage to change our feeling of loss and misery into something more peaceful. I hope we all have the strength to continue our lives thinking of all the happy memories we built and shared with my mother. May we not become weak and weary to move on only because our loved ones went ahead of us. Let us all have the courage to think that we did not lose anything or anyone at all.
Mom has taken the hands of God and is now walking with Him to eternal life. May we all be given the wisdom to know the difference. What we feel now is that we lost someone we hold so dear in our hearts, that’s inevitable and undeniable. But if we come to think of it, Mom will finally be happy, with Dad and with God.
Before I wrap this up, I would like to tell everyone that our family appreciate everything you have showed us. From the people who stood by her while she was fighting for her life to those who have extended their help by simply sticking with us from day one until tonight. Your gestures of support, love and condolences together with your prayers and our faith will surely help us pull through and get through the grief. In behalf of my siblings, I will forever be thankful that you have shown us your compassion to Mom and all of us in the family.
In closing this, I would not share any dreams of Mom. I didn’t have any. Maybe because the lifetime that she lived and shared with me were enough for us to make each other feel the love that we had for each other. But we will always have her memories. I will always have her love. And she will always have mine… ours. I love you Mom.. and thank you.


sta_rosa_bigI used to have an insufferable allergy to hospitals. Not that it has caused me trauma in the past. It’s just that I have known that hospitals are for the sick and the dying and that people who run hospitals are greedy monsters who never cared about anything but to rip patients off their hard earned money. I think the traditional Filipino movies have made me gone under that impression. I didn’t realise that hospitals were not just business establishments. There were not just concrete edifices constructed to confine the sick and the dying. There were not filled with greedy monsters ripping patients off.

Hospitals are institutions to serve humanity and to reach a noble goal… serve humanity. They were established with so much zest for the continuity of life. They are sturdy brick walls and concrete storeys of shelter and healing for those who need to get back in shape. Hospitals are not just beds and linens and people in white and scrub suits. They are, in a surreal way of looking at it, a comfort zone.

My mother and I found comfort in this bit of the city we live in. It doesn’t sound so good when you look at it subjectively because that would mean additional and unexpected expenses for the family finances, which may sometimes cause a little disagreement among family members, not to mention the fact that the reason you came to the hospital is that you are sick. But then again, who am I to misjudge the kind of comfort that maybe she and absolutely I found here.

Every bit of thing in this hospital makes me feel good despite the difficulties both mom and I are experiencing. The bed that lifts your leg and reclines your upper body, the pillows, linens and couches show that they care about your comfort while you are being treated. The television set entertains you in a probably very difficult situation. The empty fridge only makes you feel that you’ve got all the chances in the world to fill it up with food and beverages to make sure you don’t starve while confined. The trash bin and the waste segregation scheme, the antiseptics and sterile equipment assures you that there is no room for contamination and infection in this place. The intercom buzzer gives you that feeling that there is always someone who can immediately attend to your health care needs. That oxygen tank helps you breathe easily.

Intensive Care Units were put up to take care of those who needed more attention. The operating room were there to salvage what’s left of the damage created by the illness. Emergency rooms were there to assure us of the immediate attention to each case of illness we come there for. The hallways are there to give us room to breathe when we feel too exhausted and to even let us meet people, be cordial and eventually be friendly with them. The lobby… ah, not just for the free wireless internet frequency access but the lobby just tells us that we are welcome to visit the patients who are being treated in those hospitals.

Doctors are not just professionals. They are noblemen. They devoted several years of their academic life to study about saving lives and making sure that everyone is safe from the harms of any possible illness. Surgeons make sure that every thing is in place and functioning properly. My cousin was right when I once heard him that becoming a doctor is public service. One should look beyond the wealth that this profession might give them but instead foresee how many people’s lives will change and be safe because of their help. There should be no amount that could reciprocate to the kind of service that these men of medicine provide regardless of a patient’s capacity to pay. Doctors treat their patients in this bit equally. No race, gender nor age is even important when duty calls them to cure and save lives.

The whole hospital staff is not just a company of people running a business. They have roles to fulfil in our lives as patients, guests and guardians. They were not hired. The hospital staff were discriminately chosen to help us in our needs. They were carefully interviewed and placed where they are now to willingly serve us. People in the hospital billing team were put there to graciously accommodate out enquiries regarding the current account status of our patients. They were there to explain how things happen should we fail to provide them a partial payment. They can tactfully let you know of how it affects everyone. The laboratory people are there to make sure that the tests are accurate and that there is no room for mistakes. There have studied well to know that one erroneous laboratory procedure can cost someone’s life. The orderlies, the linen woman, the food tray chap, they are there to assist and work with every one to give us all the comfort that we need and make us feel that hospitals are somewhat a home away from home.

Nurses… I used to antagonise a lot of them due to my stupid prejudice that they are indeed dispensable. True enough, with the number of students who graduated in the nursing school, about 10 registered nurses would kill for a position left by someone who resigned or got fired. But the whole mom-having-to-be-confined-thing changed everything. Nurses are very hardworking. You cannot hear them complain how heavy the patient that they had to carry. You won’t see it in their faces that they are tired from an eight hour duty… lest require them to work on a double shift. Each time some volunteer or a staff nurse knocks on a patient’s door, the smile and the cordial greeting will always be there. Nurses take all the time and effort to let the guardian and the patient know what everything is all about… from the single drop of that IV to the increase and decrease of oral medicines that the patient has to take. I have considered the nurses in this bit where my mom and I are right now close to my heart. I could only remember the names of a few but all of them have been really gracious from the first time that we were here and now, after a month, that we had to be back. I admire and thank them so much for having done a great deal of looking after my mom and making sure that her condition gets better. They couldn’t be friendlier than ever.

This is what hospitals are all about. Having a heart for people and having a zest for life. I often audaciously wish to be very rich so I could put up an institution like this of my own… if it’s too costly for that, I should at least be rich enough to get my mom a suite in this infirmary so that she could be well taken care of and her medical needs be perfunctorily be attended.



Breaking up is how things has got to be for lovers realizing that there’s just too many differences between them that seem irreconcilable. In so much instances when both parties have tried so hard and exerted so much effort to reach a compromise they just end up exasperated and give in to the frustration. In the process they would try everything to get to the roots of their differences and at least patch things up but would eventually realize that there’s no other way to set things straight for each of them but to go their separate ways. That way, they would have thought, they could avoid hurting each other more and making things worse as they thought it already was.
Breaking up

Breaking up has got to be one of the most crucial times to someone who has devoted his life to loving a partner. It is that time when all he would ask himself is where things had gone wrong or what he had possibly done wrong. He never could have thought that breaking up could never be any harder just when he presumed that patching things up was not any easy at all.

But come to think of it, for most of us, we cannot just easily give up nor give in to the frustration of making ends meet with our partners.

After the break-up there has got to be no better way but to reconcile with ourselves after having tried to give love’s ease to our partners. If we thought that separating from a loved one for irreconcilable differences was a bit devastating, there is no other way to make things better for ourselves but to create a heaven in hell’s despair. We can use our loneliness to create a deeper meaning to happiness.

Of course we cannot push ourselves into healing that fast after the break-up. Time is of the elements. We have to give ourselves ample time to let the pain sear through. Then we can use that pain to make us stronger by treating it as a lesson we had to learn the hard way.

While most people would deny themselves that moment because they are probably too proud to admit to themselves of their vulnerability to emotional pain, we should in fact be giving ourselves time to grieve and be sad over the loss and the pain for a certain period. Not that we are to harbour resentment and nurture bitterness inside us towards the one who broke our hearts but to instead realize how much we have loved and let a greater love grow within ourselves. Eventually we could get out of that pathetic state and make room for a bigger heart and forgive both our own selves and the other party.

It wasn’t a stupid thing to have loved someone only to end up getting hurt. It wasn’t a mortal sin either for us to punish ourselves for having loved somebody that didn’t work. We choose to love not because we care so much about ourselves nor seek our own pleasure. We love because we want to ease the longing of our partner. We love because we wanted to share our feelings and a big part, if not our whole, lives to the other. And we should not punish ourselves to having done that. Instead we should find pride in ourselves having realized how much love we have been able to give and how much we had let love grown into ourselves.

If by all means we have made it through the break-up and have forgiven ourselves and our estranged partners for what happened we will then have greater chances to be happier. Coping and pulling through the sorrow makes us able to reconcile with our thoughts and our own feelings and our capacity to love and love freely.

And though some would turn their backs on that next chance to love, we could, on the other hand, make for ourselves room to grow in a deeper and more experienced loving since we have gone through a predicament we realize to have been worth learning.

  And what is joy worth if not for despair?


i think i know how i want to fall in love. i have gone over the thought of it countless times when im alone. i dream of it at night and on my bus rides.

sometimes it pops in my head while munching on a snickers bar or having a nice chitchat with my peers. it even catches me off-guard when im in the middle of something important at work.

but how do i really fall in love if i thought i knew? there are just too many ways to fall in love, right? 

you meet a guy in a bar, you have a friendly banter. he
hits on you, you buy his shit and you become inseparable for the rest of the night. he asks you for a night cap. you wind up in his place and you get impressed. you think you’re going to get laid but he passes. he instead just lets you stay over so you can get a good rest while he watches you sleep and giving you a light peck on your forehead to kiss you goodnight. you think it was wonderful and in the morning you catch him smiling while waiting for you to be awake. he asks you out, you say yes. the dates continue until you both realise that you are just in love. that is when you see the promise of a big picture.

do i want to fall in love that way? 
hmmm, i thought it was ideal.

but what if you were in a long queue at your favourite fast food? you were starting to mind the slow moving diner traffic and you get a little impatient because you were beginning to feel starved. he came in right behind you and you just took a glance. out of your annoyance of the situation you happened to have frowned a little at him and it made him smile. he told you how you looked cute being upset. you look at him again all set to get right back at him when you saw him flash a killer smile. you forgot you were hungry and you just smiled back. you were smitten. a few minutes back you were seen sharing a table and exchanging a very clever repartee over hot fudge sundae and fries. you thought that he was amazing. he thought you were splendid.

i think i like that.

what about the classmate from graduate school who saved your ass? was he not adorable when he presented his argument in class to your rescue?

i want to fall in love because i fell in love. i dont want to take it for the wrong reason. i want to fall in love not because of wanting to have a relationship that i haven’t had for the longest time. but how? did anyone have an idea how they would fall in love? did they fall in love exactly how they have created it in their heads?
i think i know exactly how i’d fall in love.



Here I am stuck in my room hearing the noise outside while trying so hard to tear myself from thinking about how much I miss you as it starts to hurt.

I am thinking that maybe we could just turn everything back when it was all so happy between us. We didn’t have anything to worry about back then but how we were going to spend the next day together.

But now that things are different I would cry myself to sleep only to wake up shedding more tears because this had to happen. You had to go away and leave me without any acceptable reason.

You only told me that you can’t love me anymore, that what you have given me was the last of it and it was time that I realize that things cannot go any further than this. However, I still cannot find the reason for it all. I just don’t see why you would wake up one day realizing that you’re tired of loving me when you had not shown any of it.

You never made me feel loved, but I never hated you for it. I waited until you could love me the way you know how to. If there was anyone in this relationship who’s supposed to have grown tired, it’ should be me. I didn’t want to because each time you asked me to hang on it felt like I am drawing my strength from you and the hopes that one day you will finally give in to how you really feel about me.

I thought wrong. And I regret it. However, as this night goes on, I could only hate myself and not you. 

I miss you so much and I want you back by my side. I know it’s never going to happen. I know that tomorrow all I can ever have would be tears of sadness and despair for having lost you, for missing you so bad.


23 MARCH 2009

When you lost touch and never heard from each other for some time, the only reasons behind it that you know are your own. We would have to know his, much as we would want to, but we couldn’t. What makes it more bitterly absurd is that we AVATARare not even certain if we really want to know especially if we feel that it would just slice through our hearts.

You cannot be too hard on yourself if the two of you had a falling apart. It wasn’t your fault that he missed something that you were trying to make him see. I know the pain is very hard to bear and you cannot at times help it but to take the fall for what happened. I can’t imagine being in your predicament.

You knew you were at your best even though it didn’t prove to be enough. Best does not mean perfection. Even the most excellent behaviour and deeds have their limitations. Flaws would always come around. You may have had flaws when you were with him and trying to do everything you could to let things grow yet it wasn’t something that you should be hard on yourself about.

We cannot possibly make them take all of what we want to give when all they want to pay for is the usual price for a slice of pie. If they want a slice, we can just give them a bit so they could come back for more.

If this is really what you need then you have to be strong. As you start pulling through there would be roadblocks that would at times push you to the limit. It may sometimes make you want to just give up and you shouldn’t. Tearing yourself away from him and the things that you both shared together would be hard and not any less painful than you think. I surmise that that should be more reason for you to keep it together. There would be no one to bear all of these but you and in the end, when it makes you a better person and you have finally regained your lost self when you loved him, you can say that the pain was all worth it.

Feel how utterly depressing and disappointing it had been. Have a good cry about it and you can even be angry at it but don’t fight it. Don’t break apart fighting something that you should be nursing. The more you smack on the wound, the more painful it gets.

Soon enough, when we have finally loved ourselves as we deserve it, we will find someone we can really share it with. Forget about having so much love to give and no one wanting it. What if it was really so much for them to take? Wouldn’t it feel too pressing for them to give back what we did? If they fail after trying so hard to reciprocate whatever feelings we have for them they tend to feel bad about themselves and rather find someone they can love the way they feel and know it.

Love, romance and commitment are not about giving all of you. It seems more like sharing what you both have to make it grow.


Mitchell my love,

i draw my courage to face the despair of leaving you behind from all the years of loving you. i could not imagine having gone through life without you. the strength for me to tell you all these were taken from all the times that we have shared together perfectly.

yes, i can say that what we had have been perfect. finally, i can say that. all throughout time we have always said that our relationship is a continuous work in progress. now that one of us have to leave and move on, it can be told, nothing can be more perfect than what we have shared together.

do not come to think that i am claiming perfection because it is ending. even in my death bed i would not dare that our relationship would come to an end. the love that i feel for you will always be there to guide you and to protect you, the same way i will be bringing the love you have for me to the heavens so i can tell the angels of how happy i was to have been on earth with someone as magnificent as you.

although i cannot stop myself now from crying, i am still fighting the pain. i am incessantly drawing all the courage i can to tell you things you have already heard from me. i will continue to love you even in the next life after i close my eyes and breathe my last breath on earth.

god will not put an end to our love just as he never puts an end to any love elsewhere. it is transcendent. just like a circle, the love that we have for each other has no beginning and no end. it goes around and will forever be felt by both of us.

mitch, do not ever forget to let yourself carry on with your life. that was what you taught me. that even if we became one in our relationship we still manage to grow as individuals because  that was the only way we can have more things to share with each other. when i am gone, continue making yourself grow into a better person. do the things that you love to do and share it with everyone who loved us both. i do not want you to stop living only because i will physically leave your side.

my body will come to rest because god does not want me to be burdened by this illness anymore. but it doesnt mean that my spirit will be gone. i will be up there in the heavens to watch over you and continue to love you. only by promising you that can i ensure that you will be comforted and not be consumed by the sadness.

the pain that you feel is inevitable. i am deeply hurt by the thought of leaving you, too. but when i think of finally surrendering myself in the hands of god who gave you to me, i find solace. i cannot force you to let the pain go right away. but i can assure you that god’s love will help you endure the anguish in time.

honey, i want you to know that there is nothing more i want for you in this world than to be happy. and i know that it will be hard because i wont be there beside you anymore, as you have constantly told me that i make you happy. however, please assure me that you will allow yourself the chance to live life as you do when i met you. it will take so much effort for you to be all right, and perhaps a lifetime to mend your broken heart but do not lose faith. i will be up there to ask god to guide you.

as i leave your side, do not feel that i have abandoned you. i will never do that. i will never leave you nor forsake you. i will only be joining the angels so there will be more of us to protect you and watch over you. i will even be the one, in time, to send someone by your side to make you happy.

i will go to rest when i finally close my eyes. when i do that, sing me the songs we knew until you realise how perfect things had been for the two of us. i want to see your tears flow, but not of despair but of happiness. there was no despair in our relationship, even in the end. cry, mitch. but only cry of the joy our love has brought us. promise me that.

when you cry of sadness because you miss me, let it flow. and by those tears let your pain be washed away slowly.

all i need to know is that you are still here beside me. having said that, nothing can hurt me now. the clouds have gone and the skies are beginning to clear. i will rest as needed. i will come home and i will take your love home with me, to protect me from pain. nothing can hurt me when i finally lay to rest.

i love you, mitchell. i love you so much. things will be okay, i promise. it’s going to be all right now.

take good care of yourself.



Parisi was looking at your profile a few minutes back and had to tell myself, “what the hell was i thinking looking at you when all i ever had was an unspoken promise?”

that was what i had with you then. and recently it was all i had with you again.

the morning after that long conversation i didn’t know what to think. up until after a few weeks i didn’t know if i should even think. the rational part of my brain told me that that was where it should all end. and the other side just kept on telling me to hold on to one bit of hope… false one.

and then tonight…

i was just looking and it felt like there was a painful, searing pinch in my heart causing me to wince. i didn’t realize that even just a virtual sight of you would hurt me the way i had been hurt when i had to send you off that afternoon after we had a wonderful evening together.

i didn’t realize that it would be the same amount of pain that i would feel after i sent you off that summer morning to get a good night’s sleep.

it never occurred to me… not until now that i have to really let go of an unspoken love which i think i am the only one who feels.

i tried to get in touch with you to no avail. god knows how foolish i had been trying every possible connection that i have just to get a hold of you. it was like chasing the end of a rainbow.

i never got to Paris. i now know that Paris was an illusion… romance cannot be found there. Paris is a myth. it is a hopeless romantic imagination that could easily burst like soap bubbles. romance is mutually built anywhere… not just somewhere in particular.

i may have been mistaken about creating a romantic vision of us by the tower. perhaps, i was wrong. i realized there had to be U to create us. but there was only me.

i had been busy falling in love with you while you were out there loving someone else but me.

i was in a world of oblivion twice… with you… trying so hard to long for your love… our first and only night together at home and that morning in the most absurd place.

i had a good yesterday with you… a fine tomorrow, i do not think so. i think fate has taken that one for granted.

this one has to take time now. i cared about a flower that i did not know wouldn’t grow. i was the water… i hoped you were going to be the sunlight. but it did not happen as i thought it would.

this one had to happen. i had to look at you painfully one last time before i can let it all go.